It is 11:35 p.m. here in the great State of Tennessee. I am a bundle of nerves when I should be relaxing after a busy week at work. My image of tonight was relaxing in the hot tub with my husband after we had the babies in bed for the night. We did get in the hot tub, but it was not relaxing and here I am venting about the stress the hot tub and a quiet evening with my husband was suppose to take away.
I had a doctor's appointment last week. He likes to see me every six months or so to regulate my blood pressure. Cool. I like him as he is a very nice guy. He has a great way of showing interest in my life and keeping me healthy. Nice guy. Anyway, I was really looking forward to this appointment. Lately I have been experiencing some pains that were concerning me.
So, apparently I am very healthy and he thinks that I am experiencing panic attacks which make me think that I am getting ready to die of a heart attack or something. Let's get to the heart of the matter. What is going on...I spill my guts. He said I was stressing him out just hearing about my life. His solution is to prescribe me an anti-depression to take the edge off and help me relax some. Well, that is not what I want.
The stress in my life involves more that just autism. I have a 23 year old daughter (from my ex-husband) who came back from Afghanistan after serving on the front lines and freaked out. She went to California to become a porn star. I have another daughter from my ex, who is seventeen, getting ready to start college. She wants to be a neurologist. Just so you know since I am being completely honest, my ex-husband is wanted in two states for making meth. No help there.
Then add in that I have a son with autism at the age to start school. Here we go again with the evaluations. Nothing that we did before seems to matter when it comes to the schools. All the years of therapies and testing...well, let's just do them all over again because a diagnosis from Vanderbilt University is just not enough. In my opinion it is just a waste of time and money. Let's just take the diagnosis and go with it. Why test again? Seems to me like it is just a waste of the money that school systems claim to not have. And, it just delays his progress as well while we repeat tests that have already been given; such as another hearing test. Sir Dantes is not deaf.
In addition my husband lays on me tonight that he needs a break. Great. I completely empathize. He has put his heart and soul into every therapy and meeting while I have been at work trying to provide for us all. I have absolutely no problem that he needs to get out. I understand. But do not put the guilt on me that Ms. Maxie doesn't understand why there is no more pudding to eat and she is tired of cheese and crackers. My money only goes so far.
Deep breath is needed here.
Ms.Maxie, my bright spot. She never complains. She cleans her room. She hangs up her clothes. She plays pirates. She loves to paint.
How do I wrap up such a rant and venting time? I am not sure. I don't want to go on Zolaph. I want to naturally deal with my stress. Exercise. That is what I am hoping to be the answer. In my youth I was always athletic; basketball, tennis, running...I am going to return to my roots. This past week I have started my pilates again.
The time that I hoped to be relaxing tonight in the hot tub with the man I love failed. We are both so stressed out. He has went to bed while I sit here writing. He will probably not like this blog but I had to get it out. By expressing my feelings I hope to be a better person. Now, I am going to listen to some rock on YouTube. Good night all and thank you for being there.
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