I have not written much lately. I have much to write about but I have been tied up in an emotional knot for weeks. You see, Katie is getting ready to move out into a guest house on the property we own a few miles from our house. She is going to move there next week. She will be living alone. Naturally, it freaks me out a bit. It occurred to me that this is one of the milestones we have worked so hard to achieve over the last several years, and that it has come. My intellectual self actually thinks she will be fine there— or at least as fine as an 18 year old can be moving out for the first time. In many ways, Katie is much more sensible than the average 18 year-old girl. That is because of her autism and her personality. She will also do much better in this setting than she would do in a college dormitory. However, I am not feeling as happy as I would like. As a mom, I am a lot worried, a little excited, and I will miss her.
Follow up:
Granted, we can drive to her house in 5-7 minutes, there is an alarm on the house, she will have neighbors and has an independent living person checking in on her a few times a week. I imagine she will still come home for dinner frequently and that we will see each other quite a bit. But we are still a bit of a wreck (Katie and I). She is nervous—I am nervous—she is still my little girl and I am still her mom.
She is not completely independent yet. We will still pay for her expenses. She is in college now and will work part-time in a summer job. She is not sure whether she wants to go to college next year. It is really hard work, she says, and it is hard to focus during long classes. College books are really detailed, she says, and you have to learn so many terms. She might rather work, she says— but she also secretly says she doesn’t want to grow up yet at all. She doesn’t want to have to worry about grown-up things. I get that— and I feel for her. I wish I could let her hang out with no worries forever. Yet, it is time for this step. She and her 16-year-old sister keep butting heads here at home. Katie is driving, and sensible and capable when it comes to household, daily living sorts of things.
In a few months, the rest of the family will be joining Katie on the property as we are remodeling the main house on the same property to move into. We originally planned for all of us to move there at the same time, but decided to speed up the timetable for Katie’s move. Hopefully, this time will be good for her as she will have to depend more on herself than on us as we will be just out of convenient reach. We can still be there quickly when she really needs us, but not so quickly that she is tempted to depend on us for everything.
As parents we work so hard for this and when it comes it is just plain scary. But I also remember how scary it was to leave Katie for the first time with a babysitter. I actually had a mini panic attack once I left her. And it was hard to send her to middle school, and to high school, and out in a car by herself and to college. Each step is fraught with its own dangers. And yet we cannot refuse to let our kids experience the next step out of fear. I’m going to be praying for safety for Katie and for courage for both of us. Feel free to send up some prayers for us, if that is something you feel called to do. Thanks.