“let me die disintegrate like a bird no stone above me or grassy ground for in me there is no time i am here no yesterday or tomorrow only today”

aaron neville (fearless)

i have had to sit here a moment and think about these words. to whom do they apply? is it love? a lover who has only today in mind and all other time will be crushed should they be alone. is it loneliness? a soul who sees nothing more than immediate because they have no happy memories or hope for the future. or maybe a person who is at their last rope? with so many heart aches can only focus on the here and now.

i guess each person who reads the words could apply them however depending upon their own personal experiences. at least, that is what i learned in college. tonight i, personally, would like to apply them to that of a parent with a child with autism.

Follow up:

at times it seems like all other time stops; the time of being a person without a child with autism. i think back about the times before sir dantes was born and they seem so far away. it is as though all other history has been erased even though i know it exist. that carefree part of me has seemed to have died. every thing i do and every thing i plan deals with autism. occasionally the spark of spontaneousness overcomes me but it is usually quickly silenced by reality.

there is no place or time when it does not envelope my life. it has caused both hope and heartache. it has caused both strength and weakness. it has caused me to get up and throw the covers over my head. it has caused me to laugh and to scream.

there, at times, seems “to be no yesterday no tomorrow only today”.

can i get through today? i have no choice. i have to do it. i have to be fearless.

i have to be fearless for my husband. he is here everyday all day long taking care of our children. it has not been easy on him and there are days when i see the whole spectrum of emotions in his eyes. i hear it in his voice when he feels at his end. but, he goes on out of love and devotion to me and our children. i have to be support and get up everyday and go out there to continue.

i have to be fearless for ms. maxie. there are so many days she gets short-changed. she has to be a babysitter, even when we are both home. she has had to give up a game or even a conversation with me or her father because of something sir dantes is doing. this next school year we will putting her in the public schools instead of continuing to home school because she has been short changed on “school time”. she will probably be happy about that.

i have to be fearless for sir dantes. i can not give up on him. there are days when i feel as though i going to rip my eyes out due to the stress of him running, head banging, screaming…but there are days when i cry over the progress he makes. he is amazing and has taught me so much that i have no choice but to be hopeful.

it is tough. i go to work and do what i have to do. and the marriage is a work too. we, me and my husband, have had many disagreements over the best way to deal with having an autistic child. but, we have to be fearless for each other. we have to fight to make everything work and it is not always easy. but, i would not change a thing right now. i will continue to fight for my family and encourage everyone of you to do the same.

don’t ever give up hope.